February BLAA.

After spending the last week trying to think or magic myself into a solution, today I've come to the conclusion that my only choice right now is to give up the Studio. I'm so sad. So terribly sad. And disappointed and a little angry.

The studio has been supporting it's own bills, and making just as much as it costs to run, to boot... but it's not enough. Even with the bit of money ViSalus is bringing me during the month, the readings, and the odd garage sale, commission work, art sale, or Watkins order,.... overall, I'm officially drowned.

I'm sad, because I had big fun plans for the summer down there. I've been teaching classes and it's such a wonderful place to have my clients come for readings, (and there have been so many!) and a wonderful place to create and be creative... and I've got to let all of it go now. What doesn't sell at the last liquidation garage sale, will be going to the Sally Ann. But for some stuff that will end up packed away in my basement. (I'll have no room to work on anything here, but I just can't get rid of my sewing machine yet. Although the serger is on the chopping block.)

Most likely this will mean I will also not be doing market this year.

I'm not entirely sure what I"m going to do with myself.

Everything that I've been working up to this past year has very quickly come crashing down (Think: The Tower!) and I'm nervous. The Universe had put me to task, and I feel like I've failed somewhere.

The one year anniversary of The Big Floppy is this week. A year ago this week, the Universe said "slow the fuck down. Hell, why don't you just STOP. Because you're on the WRONG path, and you're not listening." So, I started on this path...

I'm seriously seeing no other way around all of this, except to jump back on the path that was so wrong for me a year ago. How else do I work my way out of this? And I hope I'm not self prophetising when I say I'm really worried that in my attempt to fix this, I'm going to fall down, and NOT get up this time.

I really want to be optimistic about this. Convince myself that It's all for a reason, and it's all going to work out just fine. Everything will fall in place as it should, and all the stress inducing THINGS will fix themselves... but I don't quite believe it.

I feel heavy, hopeless, and heartbroken

Tomorrow (or later tonight) I'll have to write a letter to my landlord to tell her that I can't stay and I'll have my stuff out by Saturday or Sunday. I'll have to figure out where to teach my classes that are still going.

I'll think later. I know optimism will find me, and hopefully in a few months I'll be able to say "Oh, see, that's why all of this happened!" but I just can't find that appreciation right now.