Sunday, February 23, 2014

Living Temporary.

Life really is Good. Everything is Awesome.

Tomorrow, I have NOTHING booked. And my plans are to CLEAN THE HOUSE. It's embarrassing. Really really really.

Today at the breakfast table, one of my daughters asked if they could paint the bedrooms, when we once again move them around. (They are getting their own rooms finally, as the Big Tall Man-Boy is going to college. )  This is a rental. And we've never painted the rooms. And I realized...

Every year is another year I insist that we will move 'next year'... I would like my OWN place, but realistically I would never be able to float a home on my own.

I have been here ten years. TEN YEARS. In a home that was supposed to be a temporary thing, to help us get on our feet and get our own place. I've never felt settled here. And the house shows it. It's a disaster. Nothing really has a HOME here, as it just hasn't felt like home. Temporary. For ten years. "I'll just set this here for now." And then months later, that THING is still set just there.

I'm working on my  money challenges. They come from what I've learned in childhood. This thing with the house, and the way I live... that comes from childhood too. We moved. A lot. Every place was temporary, and we could be leaving at anytime. Anytime we moved, we were given about a weeks notice, if that. Sometimes it was "So today is Wednesday. On Saturday we are moving, so pack what's important." I'm sure that's where this whole thing comes from with the way I am, with my living space.

Anyway. Tomorrow, I'm putting on my sneakers and cleaning. I need to find homes for the things on the floor and stuffed into nooks and cranny's with no reason. Hang my clothing.

And perhaps think about paint colours for the girls rooms. 

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Hawt Like Dat.

Today FEELS like it's been a big day.

I had my first coaching call with a Law of Attraction coach. It was HEAVY, and I really didn't think it would be. We are working on deconstruction my "money" habits and the vibrations I currently have towards money. With a few simple sentences she brought out a TONNE of stuff that left me purging with tears. BIZARRE. Here I was expecting Love and Light and Touchy Feely Good Times...

I felt silly crying, but also understood that those tears were removing blockages. She walked me through a very nice meditation, and I came off the call (it ran about an hour and twenty minutes.) feeling lighter - and with some things to think about and write about.

I also have to do some meditations and visualizations ... I feel like I'm playing catch up, because I DO this stuff normally on my own. I'm grateful for the connection.

Then I went to my doctors new office. It's smaller, but I think he's got extra rooms he didn't have before. It was hard to tell, because it was all twisty turny in there. Anyway, I went in to show him a spot on my arm and on my face. I'm a little sensitive to skin 'stuff' after having cancer removed from my face back in...was it 2007? Anyway, out comes the liquid nitrogen and ssssss ssssss on my face and arm.

Didn't see that coming. I figured I'd be shipped off to the skin guy to have some removed and tested. But my Doc said they didn't look or behave like cancer. He actually said "When it doubt, zap it." I laughed. I like him. He laughs so much easier as we both get older. (He's been my Doc since I was 11. ) Now my arm and face have a red sore spot after the burny burny icy burn.

Good Times.

Then, a girlfriend looked at my bashed car. (She knows stuff about cars. She's Hawt Like Dat.) and assured me that it wasn't an emergency that needed to be fixed right away. I felt better for it.

Now, I"m sitting here with a bottle of water, after stuffing my face with raisins. Just approved an ad that will run on top of the Pizza Pizza boxes shortly in my town.

I need a nap. But I have a tarot reading in about an hour, so I'll have to drink tea instead. (I've had nothing caffienated yet today. That, and the emotional purge earlier, are adding to the "oooh, I need to nap." thing.


Oh, by the way. I've begun writing again. I hope it turns out to be a story! ha!

Monday, February 17, 2014

Why For, Any Of It?

Today, I am having a "What's it all about" sort of day. "It" being Life.
All the wishing and all the struggle and all the planning and dreaming. All the work that people do, and all of the goals we set for ourselves. All the worrying. All the hoping.

How did this start today... well, it's Family Day, so the day got off to a delightfully slow start. A late wake up, and a tea, and a long hot bath. The littles have been going rounds with playing with each other and fighting with each other upstairs away from me, while the eldest sleeps as he has to work tonight.

I've been reading. Then I spent some time taking the meat off of a chicken carcass I boiled this morning, for a soup base. Then I got online and planned out my spring/summer garden, going through seeds. I also looked around my very messy house and thought about cleaning it. In there somewhere, the "What's it all about" hit me. Why do I do any of this? Why do any of us do any of it?

I have a craft/art corner set up in the messy livingroom that I haven't used in about a month. I have a violin sitting on my craft chair, also untouched for weeks and weeks. I have a disasterous kitchen. A frightening basement full of THINGS that I only keep because at some point I paid money for these things... (kids toys, craft stuff, clothing. Collectable shit.)

 Then I start in on myself about MONEY. Gah.

I really want my life to mean something. It doesn't have to be BIG and splashy. I just want to mean something, do something good for people. Have a reason for being. A reason that doesn't involve a race after money, goals that involve accumulation.

If only I could live off of Love. Live to accumulate love, and give love, live IN love... and have that be enough.

What would I do all day if I didn't have to worry about money? I would still garden. I would dance a lot. I would read and nap without guilt that I wasn't DOING anything. I would write stories. I would walk more. I would do more yoga.

I still probably wouldn't have it in me to clean the house though.


I wonder what this day is trying to teach me.