Today, I am having a "What's it all about" sort of day. "It" being Life.
All the wishing and all the struggle and all the planning and dreaming. All the work that people do, and all of the goals we set for ourselves. All the worrying. All the hoping.
How did this start today... well, it's Family Day, so the day got off to a delightfully slow start. A late wake up, and a tea, and a long hot bath. The littles have been going rounds with playing with each other and fighting with each other upstairs away from me, while the eldest sleeps as he has to work tonight.
I've been reading. Then I spent some time taking the meat off of a chicken carcass I boiled this morning, for a soup base. Then I got online and planned out my spring/summer garden, going through seeds. I also looked around my very messy house and thought about cleaning it. In there somewhere, the "What's it all about" hit me. Why do I do any of this? Why do any of us do any of it?
I have a craft/art corner set up in the messy livingroom that I haven't used in about a month. I have a violin sitting on my craft chair, also untouched for weeks and weeks. I have a disasterous kitchen. A frightening basement full of THINGS that I only keep because at some point I paid money for these things... (kids toys, craft stuff, clothing. Collectable shit.)
Then I start in on myself about MONEY. Gah.
I really want my life to mean something. It doesn't have to be BIG and splashy. I just want to mean something, do something good for people. Have a reason for being. A reason that doesn't involve a race after money, goals that involve accumulation.
If only I could live off of Love. Live to accumulate love, and give love, live IN love... and have that be enough.
What would I do all day if I didn't have to worry about money? I would still garden. I would dance a lot. I would read and nap without guilt that I wasn't DOING anything. I would write stories. I would walk more. I would do more yoga.
I still probably wouldn't have it in me to clean the house though.
I wonder what this day is trying to teach me.