I have a pretty good life. But I've been pretty effin whiny lately.
I'm tired. I'm behind with my bills. I want to throw in the towel with everything I am, and just join the zombie walk. And then I hate myself for even thinking it.
Because I can make MAGIC! I've done it before, I can do it again! It's really hard to do that though when I keep repeating to myself "Ooh, girl, you are soooo up the creek of shit."
Everything else should be good. I'm going to be in a play coming up, and that's a bit of fun. And the Universe says it's going to bring some sort of opportunity, although I can't imagine what that is.
The time I would normally dedicate to finding the money to pay the bills, has been spent memorizing lines.. and fretting that I have no money. It's a vicious cycle. I'm REALLY really too divided right now.
I'm working at the thrift store again (because MONEY.), and am maybe doing 4 pairs of feet a week with Reflexology. I am maybe doing a tarot reading once every two weeks... as I just have no time around everything else. I actually have to SCHEDULE time in for my kids, or I will fill it with something in my day planner. Insane. I know.
How did it come to be this way?
And what is the learning in this?
I'm sure if I removed myself from the emotion and had a good look at it, I would SEE it.
I just feel like I'm in free fall. Not the good kind that Tom Petty was talking about. The SCARY ass kind, where your effin' tail flappy bit has just broken right off and all the lights and buzzers are going off and you don't know if pushing any of them would even solve anything at all.
I'm thinking back to a time when I feel like I had my shit together. Like, I could do all the fun stuff and had just enough money to do what was needed for the house and kids. And I was joy and happy and love and life was easy. Is this pulsing headache and gut wrenching stress just a state of mind? Do I need to just meditate more?
I really want to focus on GOOD things, positive things. But, I think I'm struggling with the idea of having to choose a path. Because I'm not sure how to make all that I insist on juggling fit together into one little basket.
I'm babbling. And eating many many chocolate chip cookies.
I do all the things. There is a freedom and giddiness in being a Jill of all trades... I feel LIMITLESS. I can act, and sing, and create in so many different ways, and I love Momming, and gardening, and I can heal and am the chattiest happiest customer service person ever. I can naturally be a fantabulous lover and partner when I'm not so divided... I'm mediocre at all of it when I'm divided.
Goddess, I'm tired.
There's no time for sleep. The Bills keep coming.
So, I think it's time to Make Good Art.