Sunday, December 30, 2012

For Love or Money?

Today is another lazy day.

This whole week has been all about pondering what comes next. WHAT COMES NEXT?

I have been doing reflexology. This body work makes me very happy. It is work that will bring a LITTLE money, but fulfill my inner knowing that I am a healer. It is deliverance of love and healing, and pleases me.

I'm studying holistic massage. More body work. More making bodies feel good.

I've been thinking about planning ahead to be able to afford the next course in the Sustainable Urban Agriculture certificate I have been working towards. Gardening makes me happy. Eating from the garden makes me happy. Seeds came last week. So happy.

Yesterday I pulled out all the dolls and crafts that are already made, and I made some Tee shirts (ironed on some 70's Raggedy Ann and Andy's onto good thrifted Tee's) and am getting ready to do the market again. This brings me a LITTLE money, but fulfills my inner drive to be creative and artistic. I LOVE making dolls and embroidery and all the things. I completely lose myself in it. The little money that comes from it is a bonus.

I still do the tarot readings. It makes me happy to have tapped into this inner place of knowing, and give it as guidance to others, or soul healing to others. Life answers and understanding. This thing is SO very much a part of me now - my loud intuition, my ability to communicate with people who have passed, this crazy THING that comes through me. When I am doing this, I am authentically expressing something about myself. It brings a little money, too. I charge less than half of what others are asking for this, because I love doing it. It is a part of me.

I am occasionally at the thrift store. I love being there. I get the best stuff. This brings me a little money.

This leaves me HERE. In a place where I REALLY just want to do what I LOVE doing. But also have to earn more money to pay the bills I have to pay - and get my youngests teeth done.

I'm conflicted.

I find myself looking at ANOTHER work from home company. And I think "The money I would spend to get started on this would get a start on getting my kids teeth fixed." I think "I think I am tired of MLM's." I think "I know they work, but do I really want to invest so much of myself in another?" I like the products in this company -certified organic, a large line of products. The prices they sell at are more than I would normally pay - and although I would eventually get my items for free, this would mean putting a lot of work into selling the products to others. Who would have to decide if the prices would suit them as a customer, or if they wanted to get in and promote for themselves in order to get it for free. And the cycle continues.

I am talented. I am creative. I am inspired. I need to do something with all the things that I've learned so far, the person I've become so far...

 I recently cancelled my MLM blog, stopped promoting really everything (although I am still a member with a company.) and am really really trying to listen to the voices... to lead me to do what I am meant to do, and passionate about. But I find myself, in the search for MONEY, looking at these things again. Reading the promotions and emails that still come to me because of all the stuff I WAS doing, so very intensely.

So, I'm sitting here today, faced with this ... dividing line between love and money. I'm really conflicted.

My mother mentioned to me yesterday that a certain factory was hiring. And I died a little inside. As much as I would really like the money, I know that I am NOT built for that kind of work. It makes me physically ill and angry.

I do not like the pursuit of money. But we need it right now.

I think I need to drag myself away from the computer, and do something in real life. Maybe that will help put it all in place. Three months + is a long time for me to be up in the air. I'm trying to embrace the "I don't know where in the world I"m going" thing...


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