Life has been very much "in THIS moment" the last 3 months. Just THIS one. Giving up desire, giving up drive, letting go of everything but IN THIS MOMENT. I really believe everything happens for a reason... even though there are things that I'm still wondering "why".
However, I have felt that I am in exactly the right place, interacting with the exact right people, and living in the exact right way.
I'm not getting ahead. I've come close to falling behind. But I'm making no plans, anywhere, about anything.
Today, my youngest said to me:
"Instead of saving my Christmas money for an ipod, I'm going to save money to get my retainer."
I died a little. And felt like a bad person for letting go of the future, and money. Because I feel like I"ve forgotten about her teeth.
Her mouth doesn't just need a retainer. Her mouth needs teeth removed, teeth twisted around, pushed AND pulled back into place... and then when the teeth start coming back in that we've removed to make room for what's already there, sideways and crooked, we start all over again. This is not a $400 retainer we are talking about here. And me, with no coverage, will pay for it all out of pocket. For a number of years.
This morning, I realised that I will have to start hustling again - either paintings or dolls or sewing or tarot... or something online that will most likely involve recruiting or selling... or reflexology, and possibly massage. (yes, this is body work massage, not RMT massage.). Hustling doesn't feel like heart work. Having to hustle for the money doesn't feel like heart work. The idea of having to get out there and SELL SELL SELL makes me feel sick. But heart work brings it slowly, and her mouth needs more than what comes in and just gets us by.
This is where my sleepy brain is. I hope my dreams bring answers.