Sunday, December 30, 2012

For Love or Money?

Today is another lazy day.

This whole week has been all about pondering what comes next. WHAT COMES NEXT?

I have been doing reflexology. This body work makes me very happy. It is work that will bring a LITTLE money, but fulfill my inner knowing that I am a healer. It is deliverance of love and healing, and pleases me.

I'm studying holistic massage. More body work. More making bodies feel good.

I've been thinking about planning ahead to be able to afford the next course in the Sustainable Urban Agriculture certificate I have been working towards. Gardening makes me happy. Eating from the garden makes me happy. Seeds came last week. So happy.

Yesterday I pulled out all the dolls and crafts that are already made, and I made some Tee shirts (ironed on some 70's Raggedy Ann and Andy's onto good thrifted Tee's) and am getting ready to do the market again. This brings me a LITTLE money, but fulfills my inner drive to be creative and artistic. I LOVE making dolls and embroidery and all the things. I completely lose myself in it. The little money that comes from it is a bonus.

I still do the tarot readings. It makes me happy to have tapped into this inner place of knowing, and give it as guidance to others, or soul healing to others. Life answers and understanding. This thing is SO very much a part of me now - my loud intuition, my ability to communicate with people who have passed, this crazy THING that comes through me. When I am doing this, I am authentically expressing something about myself. It brings a little money, too. I charge less than half of what others are asking for this, because I love doing it. It is a part of me.

I am occasionally at the thrift store. I love being there. I get the best stuff. This brings me a little money.

This leaves me HERE. In a place where I REALLY just want to do what I LOVE doing. But also have to earn more money to pay the bills I have to pay - and get my youngests teeth done.

I'm conflicted.

I find myself looking at ANOTHER work from home company. And I think "The money I would spend to get started on this would get a start on getting my kids teeth fixed." I think "I think I am tired of MLM's." I think "I know they work, but do I really want to invest so much of myself in another?" I like the products in this company -certified organic, a large line of products. The prices they sell at are more than I would normally pay - and although I would eventually get my items for free, this would mean putting a lot of work into selling the products to others. Who would have to decide if the prices would suit them as a customer, or if they wanted to get in and promote for themselves in order to get it for free. And the cycle continues.

I am talented. I am creative. I am inspired. I need to do something with all the things that I've learned so far, the person I've become so far...

 I recently cancelled my MLM blog, stopped promoting really everything (although I am still a member with a company.) and am really really trying to listen to the voices... to lead me to do what I am meant to do, and passionate about. But I find myself, in the search for MONEY, looking at these things again. Reading the promotions and emails that still come to me because of all the stuff I WAS doing, so very intensely.

So, I'm sitting here today, faced with this ... dividing line between love and money. I'm really conflicted.

My mother mentioned to me yesterday that a certain factory was hiring. And I died a little inside. As much as I would really like the money, I know that I am NOT built for that kind of work. It makes me physically ill and angry.

I do not like the pursuit of money. But we need it right now.

I think I need to drag myself away from the computer, and do something in real life. Maybe that will help put it all in place. Three months + is a long time for me to be up in the air. I'm trying to embrace the "I don't know where in the world I"m going" thing...


Wednesday, December 26, 2012


Shift Shift Shift.

Tilt-A-Whirl, with a fantastic 80's Soundtrack. Every now and again it slows JUST ENOUGH to allow someone else to jump on with me, but it never stops.

I'm so DIZZY.

I feel completely changed, but not yet settled into what ever the heck it is I'm changing into. Trying to flow with it, but every now and again I feel like I"m supposed to be DOING something to help shift into what I will be... and the the Invisible Carni In the SKY puts THIS SONG on, and I lose my focus and am whirling some more.

Seriously. I can't even stop long enough to write any of this most fantastic fiction fodder down. Tilt!

This isn't a matter of not knowing what I want. This is about trying to figure out how to have it all.

And still be me. And still be Love. And Still honour my path, and the path of those who are spinning with me.

I close my eyes instead of trying to focus on anything on this ride, and end up in bed.


Monday, December 24, 2012

Christmas Spending RANT.

A bit of a rant.

I was out the day before yesterday (December 22nd) with my daughters. We went to the dollarstore, and I said to them each. "You pick one thing for each other. Don't let the other sister see it. You pick one thing for your brother. You pick one thing for me and one thing for your step dad."  (who no longer lives with us, but is still very much involved with them, and I love that we are all very comfortable and happy to have them spend time and love each other. This is only important, because I need it to be clear that I am paying all my own bills. There is no child support here from my childrens fathers, and I'm not sharing house bills with a partner.)

This is the first Yule/Christmas I've done this 'go buy some small prezzies' with them. I figured, they were old enough to get it. And, they've figured out the Santa thing, so I hadn't yet purchased things for the stockings. I figured I would pretty much let them buy some little things for each others stockings, and I could get a few things for them at the same time. If we saw each other in the aisles, we could giggle and not look.

I gave them each a $20 bill, because that was all I had in my wallet, so they could secretly pay for their own things.  I figured I was in this for about $10 for this little bit of fun, from each of them. And possibly another $8ish from myself.

We each separately went our ways with a handbasket to poke around.

In the end, one came back with $2.60ish in change. One came back with $3.50ish. They completely blew the budget. Because they had to get a FEW things for each other, and then in addition to the list, they got something here and there for a few people who were not on the list of my instruction.

In the store, I had that FEELING that I have been intentionally trying to ELIMINATE in cutting out this gifting thing. That HEAVY, broke sadness that this whole spend spend spending season creates. I almost started crying in front of my children, in the fucking dollarstore. For the want of the extra $23ish they spent. My own bill for the few things I got them was $12. So, for the want of $35, I came very close to creating a feeling of BAH HUMBUG for my little family. I'm so glad I caught myself before all the words came out. "We can't afford" and blame and spreading the feeling of BAD BAD BAD babies.

I get us by. I have been earning just enough to pay for what is necessary. And I know my words create a reality. Life IS Good, and I AM Love, and we DO have abundance. Enough to pay the bills and eat well. I am extremely thankful for that.

What we DON'T have is a whole lot extra for one big extravagant month of spending in the name of Jesus or Walmart.

So, how I get through this is to either make my hand what I will gift to my kids, or purchase a little thing here or there. I have been working at a thrift store since April, and that has helped. I've been stashing little things here and there, that have struck me as "yes, the girls will like this." All the little things still managed to all fit into one large reusable shopping bag. Minus two boxes.

It has been very very important to me to slowly reduce this month of unnecessary spending. I no longer purchase gifts for anyone else outside of my children. My family knows this. I made some biscotti cookies this year for my families to share during our visits together.

I refuse to feel bad for not purchasing gifts for everyone  - I am a single person doing my best to be in all the places I am needed - here with kids, and finding work to pay the bills that I have - Expressing LOVE should not involve a price tag. It involves time and attention given and spent. It involves expressing appreciation and caring.

We have been SO conditioned to this spending at Christmas thing.

And, I have done very well, within my emotions, to keep it all in place in terms of not spending cash I don't have. I feel good and right about it. But, this moment in the Dollarstore caught me by surprise. I felt like a LESSER, NOT good person, because all I could think about was I needed that money to make the car insurance. (A car I'd rather not have, but being only 1.5 years into the payments for it, I'd never get back by selling it the amount I owe on it... so I'm stuck with it.)

I took a breath and smiled for my kids in the Dollarstore instead. With a forced giggle I said, "You guys totally blew the budget." As I slipped the coins left back into my wallet. They then proceeded to let me know they had to get each other THREE things, and something for an Aunt and Uncle and their year old cousin, and something for a grandparent.. and for one of the cats. "That was not the instruction I gave you." I said, but left it alone... I had no wise and thoughtful words to say at that moment, and sometimes It's best to say nothing. I would NOT cry in the Dollarstore.

BUT this made me think about all the people out there who DO feel pressured to buy for everyone... and go around ALL holiday season with the heavy feeling that I had for about 2 minutes. A feeling of being NOT GOOD ENOUGH, because they feel they have NOT ENOUGH MONEY to be happy or make their loved ones happy. How does this affect your holiday??

It blocks JOY and LOVE and ABUNDANCE and HAPPINESS. It shuts you out from the world, makes you unable to feel any love delivered or shared with you. How does this SERVE anyone? How does this feeling that comes this time of year encourage time spent be a joyous and sharing occasion?

I'm past my own feelings of inadequacy that rolled up into my mouth tasting of stomach bile... It's been replaced with the need to almost CRUSADE against this spending thing we have all been conditioned to do.

I'm breaking the cycle. Have been for years. Now that the big Santa Reveal has happened, it will be so much easier.

The day must begin.
You were warned this would be a rant.

I may do some revisions at some point, but my day must begin.


P.S. I'm not looking for pity, or charity in this post. I think what I'd like most is to wake some realization in others. That is all. 

Saturday, December 15, 2012

Most Peculiar, Mama.

I could be showering right now, before work. But I'm not. Because, I really don't have the time. Or desire to get cold and wet. So, there will be extra lotion applied before I go to work. Yeah, take THAT work. You're getting me sleepy-smelly.

The dreams haven't been revealing any great answers. Although they've been entertaining. This morning I set the alarm for 6:45. It goes off to radio, which usually wakes me. This morning I floated around in dreamy radio space until 9am. Whoops. I had that moment where I thought "I will just sleep, I don't need to go to work. I'm NOT going." This was completely reasonable in my head, warm in bed.

This thought is becoming more and more prevalent. I have really lost the desire to ... proceed. To do anything that I DON'T want to do. Maybe I AM embracing my inner spoiled child.

It feels gloriously dangerous.

If I start referring to the girls as Thelma and Louise, try not to be surprised by anything that happens after that.


Each moment is honest within itself. Each  moment I live is exactly what it is supposed to be. What a strange strange energy.


Thursday, December 13, 2012


Life has been very much "in THIS moment" the last 3 months. Just THIS one. Giving up desire, giving up drive, letting go of everything but IN THIS MOMENT. I really believe everything happens for a reason... even though there are things that I'm still wondering "why".

However, I have felt that I am in exactly the right place, interacting with the exact right people, and living in the exact right way.

I'm not getting ahead. I've come close to falling behind. But I'm making no plans, anywhere, about anything.

Today, my youngest said to me:
"Instead of saving my Christmas money for an ipod, I'm going to save money to get my retainer."

I died a little. And felt like a bad person for letting go of the future, and money. Because I feel like I"ve forgotten about her teeth.

Her mouth doesn't just need a retainer. Her mouth needs teeth removed, teeth twisted around, pushed AND pulled back into place... and then when the teeth start coming back in that we've removed to make room for what's already there, sideways and crooked, we start all over again. This is not a $400 retainer we are talking about here. And me, with no coverage, will pay for it all out of pocket. For a number of years.

This morning, I realised that I will have to start hustling again - either paintings or dolls or sewing or tarot... or something online that will most likely involve recruiting or selling... or reflexology, and possibly massage. (yes, this is body work massage, not RMT massage.). Hustling doesn't feel like heart work. Having to hustle for the money doesn't feel like heart work. The idea of having to get out there and SELL SELL SELL makes me feel sick. But heart work brings it slowly, and her mouth needs more than what comes in and just gets us by.

This is where my sleepy brain is. I hope my dreams bring answers.