No Snappy Comeback.

I figure nothing I say will please anyone else - As careful as I've become about my writing in order not to offend, I don't really write this kind of stuff for anyone else anyway.

There are words that ring in my ears. Angry and loud and mean. They sneak up on me to slap me across my lazy face. It's been a long time since I've defined myself by anyone elses standards of me. I'm still trying to place how I feel about the words used at me, about me. Normally, I would just return them to their source, with wishes for healing and not let them absorb. This is different I guess. They are sticking a bit.

This has been a very busy week. Next week will be easier. My work schedule has been changed to suit our new needs, although I've got reflexology case studies to squeeze in. I'm working around my teenagers also very busy schedule.

He's a good kid. He works hard. And he is extremely accomodating with what I'm asking of him. This boy has never sworn at me, we've never had a fight, he lets me know where he is. He gets good marks at school, he doesn't do drugs. (although he may have the occasional beer, he has never ever come home drunk or even with beer on his breath.)  The last time this kid gave me a problem, he was about 4 years old. I like him. I like him a LOT. I appreciate what he is, and how he is being so open and helpful. He is very easy to be around and live with.

The voices/universe were sending me warnings. They just didn't say where it would come from. I knew to expect something painful, but didn't know from what direction. I had been doing some automatic writing (or maybe semi-automatic. ha!) Long story short, I was told to expect something big, and that it would be painful, but I would get through "like I always do." I tried to be open and not assume where it would come from, but I really thought the source would be a completely different direction. I'm in a mild functioning shock right now I think.

At the same time, I feel a lot less emotional than I figured I should. There's no anger. There's no sadness. I think all I'm feeling is resignation. 

.....

I guess I had better carry on with the laundry. Get the bathroom cleaned up. Figure out lunch. Get my butt in gear for work.

Let Go and Let Goddess.

So. I talked to a mortgage broker. Long story short, it looks like it'll be two more years in this house. And so, I have started making some changes. This house that I have been in for nearly 9 years (In October.), and have never felt permanent or settled in.

Namely, giving up the master bedroom to the pixies, in an effort to carve out some space that will allow them to have at least a small space that is for each of them only. I've moved a TONNE of stuff this morning , and I am having a cheese and cracker break until my amazing friend Rhonda comes over to help me move the bunk beds. Because although I've moved every thing else on my own (the mattresses, dressers, book shelves, clothes clothes clothes... why do we have so many articles of clothing???) I cannot physically remove the top bunk from the bottom on my own.

I had wanted to put each bed separately in the master bedroom, but it is also just not big enough for that. So, in shuffling things around this morning, I think I have figured out how to divide the room, but leave them in their bunks.

I really thought I would have a tonne of things to move... but really, my biggest bedroom hoarding vice is .. (wait for it....I know you want it to be something kinky.)

...Clothing. I have lazy clothes and jammy clothes, and enough socks and undies to fill two drawers. (dresser drawers, that is. My drawers aren't nearly big enough to fill with all that I have. ha!) I have summer dresses and fall dresses and hangers filled with skirts and dress pants. Then there's the jeans. There's the big-girl jeans, just incase I need them in winter. There's the REALLY Little-Lori jeans... you know, for the one day of the month that I fit into THEM. There are gardening jeans and dressy jeans. And Shirts. Dear Goddess, blouses and dress tops and T shirts and flowy gypsy shirts. Work clothes. Play clothes. Casual clothes.

And ofcourse, there's all the ridiculous vintage clothing that I feel I must keep because even though I may only wear one item at Hallowe'en, I LOVE them.

Oh, and for some reason I feel the need to hoard linens. All the great 70's stuff that is all made for a double bed (I have a queen.) that SOMEDAY I'm going to make SOMETHING out of.

I must go through ALL of this stuff. And make some decisions.

Because I'm relocating to the pixies old room. Which is 8' x 12'.

This all will work out. All of it. I have faith. I have asked that the Universe be sure that I am on my RIGHT path, that I am on target and on time. Two years seems a long time to wait to get the pixies into their own space, a long time to get me into a home where I can paint and feel permanent. But if that's the time for the target, then so be it.

I have let go, and am letting God. And Goddess. She's loud and generally has more to say about these things with me. ;)

L.

An Extra Pair of Hands.

Today is one of my rare days off, that I have felt like I have enough energy to DO something. I've cleaned out corners, and for the last few hours have been touching ALL THE THINGS to sort through and appease my undiagnosed but very obvious mania when it comes to STUFF. And no one can touch it for me - I have to physically touch all the things with my own hands.

It feels very very good to get through it.

The last few moons I've been making it clear that my little family is READY for a home. I had specified it should be one that was OURS. The voices whispered at me about 3 days ago "Uh, Lori, you've GOT a house. Now, make it a home."

Ooooh. Right. (We rent. But technically it is a house. I'm learning that each and every time, I forget to specify some itty bitty detail. Like "We are BUYING the house." )

So, today I have made a start.

I missed the entire summer. I kid you not. There was that one day where I took the pixies to Elmvale for all the festivities available there, on a budget. And the day Mel took the pixies and I blueberry picking. And, that pretty much was it. My garden is laid to waste. No food has been consumed or preserved from it. I'm not sure if I'll be able to save the few beans that made a go of it without my aid, and I'm pretty sure the few tomatoes are gone to mush on the vine.

I'm extremely disappointed. I'm disapointed that I feel as if I've been so absent this summer, in the name of the dollar. What has happened to me? The sad thing is that the amount I'm making, is just a little over what I make when I'm doing my own thing full time. (Tarot and art and selling stuff like a gypsy.) What sacrifice this feels it has been.

But, it's coming around. I've felt a HUGE shift in the last few weeks inside myself - less zombie, more restless. I've been getting lots of big messages and little whispering hints that I need to get ready for it. So, I am. And part of that is cleaning out my house, physically and with the buring of the sage, to make room for the new things coming. Gotta make room.

Today, it's the tidy tidy. My next day off will be for trading rooms with the pixies. I currently have the master, and they share a small cubby of a room.  They need a bigger space, and I have to somehow create some privacy for them - most likely with a curtain hung down the centre of the room. (My next day off, I believe is ...a week from now, between the tarot bookings, my J.O.B. and the live portion of my reflexology course.)

It's going to be a chore to pack up both of our rooms to trade - there's not really a "third" space to shift stuff from the first room into, while moving the second room over. But, I'll work it out. I'll most likely have to enlist an extra pair of hands. Bunk beds on one's own is most likely an accident waiting to happen. 

Blaa blaa blaa. Sometimes writing here just helps me organize it all in my head.

I love the Bookses.

So, in light of all the new books that have come to me, I decided to clean and reorganize my giant bookshelves. I had about 50 or so books up beside my bed, about 20 just floating around the house... and I generally like my books in some sort of order, so that when I want to reference them, they are easy to find...

That being said, I have a lot more 'reference' type books than fiction. Although there are a few shelves of beloved fiction that I will never give up. I moved all the stuff, made some of the pixies books more accessable to them (on a lower shelf) and put some other stuff in their reach that I wouldn't mind them looking at. It's funny that most of the stuff out of their reach is fiction - Stephen King, some classic stuff that I don't think they are ready to process yet..

Once I had them all together, I also noticed I seem to have a lot more books on Writing then I thought. A lot more on writing then on business....

 Made some space for my brass cauldron, my two new abalone shells, and all the feathers, sage, tobacco, oils, and other witchy goodies I have had floating around here. Those are all up tall on the shelves too.

Sooo.... This satisfies me.

I love the bookses.

L.