Tuesday, December 6, 2011

To Sleep, Perchance to Dream

Venting. Feeling stuck in a corner, and my usual sense of optimism is cowering in a corner up there somewhere, giving some crabby ass bully free reign.

So far, all goes as planned. (with a few minor allowances for my own personal sanity.) I have my studio, I'm doing shows, getting readings, getting commissions. I'm doing my course online, getting some writing in and it's showing promise. I'm getting social time in, I'm getting alone time in, there's balance. Kids and Boyfriend are doing well in school.

I'm feeling a teeter totter balance that is about to go ass over tea kettle however. The stasis that has been is a precarious balancing act, and I'm not sure I'm going to make it all the way over to the other end of this wire. Because things are changing.

The Law of Attraction says we must not say "need", because then it makes you NEED what you are telling it you NEED. I DO appreciate all the little magics that we've captured the last 7 months. And the crux is this.

Financially, We can maintain this way in this little wee house, where the kids have no room to play, there's no room for privacy, where we are all crammed in this small space. But it's becoming stressful. It's becoming urgent.

The house is pushing me out. It's been at it for some time. And I've done my best to allow a new place to come to us. The reality is that in order to make that happen, We'll have to trade our time for money. Give up the artists life. Give up life as we know it.

I'm not saying this was never going to happen. I just always assumed it could happen after the kids were grown up. I like being the one to pick them up and drop them off, and be here. Now it seems the kids need more room, and I can't provide it without becoming absent, full time somewhere else.

So, the bully that's been storming around in my temples all day is pointing fingers and saying I'll have to give it all up, sell my soul and all the lessons I've learned and everything I hold important for the pursuit of the dollar, in order to provide more space for all of us.

And the little whimpering Optimism is doing this whiney-crying thing, curled up into itself, while protesting weakly "No."

Is this just today? Is this just because I'm tired? Because I'm feeling cornered? Because I'm unfocused? Where did this come from?

In this moment, I'm feeling powerless to change this thing, without permanently fixing myself to a punch clock and kissing all the magics so far goodbye.


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