Saturday, September 25, 2010

I Write, because I MUST.

My writing has been stifled. No More.

This has been a long and strange week. And, it's "only" Saturday. My week doesn't feel over until I lay my head on my pillow on Sunday night, and beg for dreams. There's still a little over 24 hours in this week, to figure everything out, and put it all in place. 24 more hours to see what comes.

So much has come to light this week, so much has started new this week. It's also been "full moon" week, and Autumn Equinox week, so I shouldn't be so out-of-sorts about it being completely OUTER LIMITS. Lethargic, dampened, too much in thought, too much in dream. However, my head is spinning - figuratively and literally. Yesterday, I had what they think is a "little" stroke or a "mini" seizure. A wake up call for me.

They say when a door closes, a window opens. Somewhere in the building. Sometimes you have to search all 5 floors or so to find the damn thing... and sometimes it needs to be jimmied opened with a screw driver and possibly a hammer, because it's old and some long ago ancestor painted right over all the seams, thinking you'd never need it. Sometimes it's easier to just go back down the stairs and stare at the door that's been slammed shut in your face. Look through the peek hole at their fishbowl world, and hope that they'll let you back into it.

But that window is there. Unlocked and waiting for you to put a little sweat into it, a little effort.

A small faction of my life, that once represented my near entirety, has completely separated itself from me and all associated with me. I'm not entrirely sure how to feel about this. Perplexed? Relieved? Time reveals all. I am honestly who I am, and they are honestly who they are. And I'm discovering we're more like oil and water than anything thicker.

In return, the jimmied window reveals open arms and unconditional love. New friendships that offer trust and spirit. There is a bit of sadness, leaving behind old habits. But when there's no love there - not even a bit of "like" left, why would ANYONE continue to seek it out? Ask for it?

I'm not perfect. I apologize, when I've done something wrong. I can look my mistakes square in the ugly eye and make peace with them. I've had some practice at it, and have become quite good at seeing ugly come at a distance and stopping it before it gets a chance to create havoc. I've become practiced at approaching experiences and people with love and the bigger picture in mind.

I stand on this side of the fence, after being pushed through roughly and without apology or regret. Over the last few months, the bruises in my chest have healed, and I've discovered how green the grass is on this side, and my loved ones and I are making quite a pretty garden of it. And everyone who's here, is REALLY happy to be here, and appreciates every moment.

I'm not going to try to look over the fence anymore.

I've got better things to do with my time, energy, and love.


Anonymous said...

I am left feeling really intrigued by your writing today; your insight is interesting and you do a great job making me feel the words you share. One of the words that really mean a lot to me is "strength" because without it, we would not be able to focus on the now and deal with things in a most productive way! Sending my thoughts and positive vibes your way...Amanda

Vintage Witch & Little Scotia said...

Amanda... so many thanks :)