Christmas Spending RANT.

A bit of a rant.

I was out the day before yesterday (December 22nd) with my daughters. We went to the dollarstore, and I said to them each. "You pick one thing for each other. Don't let the other sister see it. You pick one thing for your brother. You pick one thing for me and one thing for your step dad."  (who no longer lives with us, but is still very much involved with them, and I love that we are all very comfortable and happy to have them spend time and love each other. This is only important, because I need it to be clear that I am paying all my own bills. There is no child support here from my childrens fathers, and I'm not sharing house bills with a partner.)

This is the first Yule/Christmas I've done this 'go buy some small prezzies' with them. I figured, they were old enough to get it. And, they've figured out the Santa thing, so I hadn't yet purchased things for the stockings. I figured I would pretty much let them buy some little things for each others stockings, and I could get a few things for them at the same time. If we saw each other in the aisles, we could giggle and not look.

I gave them each a $20 bill, because that was all I had in my wallet, so they could secretly pay for their own things.  I figured I was in this for about $10 for this little bit of fun, from each of them. And possibly another $8ish from myself.

We each separately went our ways with a handbasket to poke around.

In the end, one came back with $2.60ish in change. One came back with $3.50ish. They completely blew the budget. Because they had to get a FEW things for each other, and then in addition to the list, they got something here and there for a few people who were not on the list of my instruction.

In the store, I had that FEELING that I have been intentionally trying to ELIMINATE in cutting out this gifting thing. That HEAVY, broke sadness that this whole spend spend spending season creates. I almost started crying in front of my children, in the fucking dollarstore. For the want of the extra $23ish they spent. My own bill for the few things I got them was $12. So, for the want of $35, I came very close to creating a feeling of BAH HUMBUG for my little family. I'm so glad I caught myself before all the words came out. "We can't afford" and blame and spreading the feeling of BAD BAD BAD babies.

I get us by. I have been earning just enough to pay for what is necessary. And I know my words create a reality. Life IS Good, and I AM Love, and we DO have abundance. Enough to pay the bills and eat well. I am extremely thankful for that.

What we DON'T have is a whole lot extra for one big extravagant month of spending in the name of Jesus or Walmart.

So, how I get through this is to either make my hand what I will gift to my kids, or purchase a little thing here or there. I have been working at a thrift store since April, and that has helped. I've been stashing little things here and there, that have struck me as "yes, the girls will like this." All the little things still managed to all fit into one large reusable shopping bag. Minus two boxes.

It has been very very important to me to slowly reduce this month of unnecessary spending. I no longer purchase gifts for anyone else outside of my children. My family knows this. I made some biscotti cookies this year for my families to share during our visits together.

I refuse to feel bad for not purchasing gifts for everyone  - I am a single person doing my best to be in all the places I am needed - here with kids, and finding work to pay the bills that I have - Expressing LOVE should not involve a price tag. It involves time and attention given and spent. It involves expressing appreciation and caring.

We have been SO conditioned to this spending at Christmas thing.

And, I have done very well, within my emotions, to keep it all in place in terms of not spending cash I don't have. I feel good and right about it. But, this moment in the Dollarstore caught me by surprise. I felt like a LESSER, NOT good person, because all I could think about was I needed that money to make the car insurance. (A car I'd rather not have, but being only 1.5 years into the payments for it, I'd never get back by selling it the amount I owe on it... so I'm stuck with it.)

I took a breath and smiled for my kids in the Dollarstore instead. With a forced giggle I said, "You guys totally blew the budget." As I slipped the coins left back into my wallet. They then proceeded to let me know they had to get each other THREE things, and something for an Aunt and Uncle and their year old cousin, and something for a grandparent.. and for one of the cats. "That was not the instruction I gave you." I said, but left it alone... I had no wise and thoughtful words to say at that moment, and sometimes It's best to say nothing. I would NOT cry in the Dollarstore.

BUT this made me think about all the people out there who DO feel pressured to buy for everyone... and go around ALL holiday season with the heavy feeling that I had for about 2 minutes. A feeling of being NOT GOOD ENOUGH, because they feel they have NOT ENOUGH MONEY to be happy or make their loved ones happy. How does this affect your holiday??

It blocks JOY and LOVE and ABUNDANCE and HAPPINESS. It shuts you out from the world, makes you unable to feel any love delivered or shared with you. How does this SERVE anyone? How does this feeling that comes this time of year encourage time spent be a joyous and sharing occasion?

I'm past my own feelings of inadequacy that rolled up into my mouth tasting of stomach bile... It's been replaced with the need to almost CRUSADE against this spending thing we have all been conditioned to do.

I'm breaking the cycle. Have been for years. Now that the big Santa Reveal has happened, it will be so much easier.

The day must begin.
You were warned this would be a rant.

I may do some revisions at some point, but my day must begin.

L.

P.S. I'm not looking for pity, or charity in this post. I think what I'd like most is to wake some realization in others. That is all. 

Most Peculiar, Mama.

I could be showering right now, before work. But I'm not. Because, I really don't have the time. Or desire to get cold and wet. So, there will be extra lotion applied before I go to work. Yeah, take THAT work. You're getting me sleepy-smelly.

The dreams haven't been revealing any great answers. Although they've been entertaining. This morning I set the alarm for 6:45. It goes off to radio, which usually wakes me. This morning I floated around in dreamy radio space until 9am. Whoops. I had that moment where I thought "I will just sleep, I don't need to go to work. I'm NOT going." This was completely reasonable in my head, warm in bed.

This thought is becoming more and more prevalent. I have really lost the desire to ... proceed. To do anything that I DON'T want to do. Maybe I AM embracing my inner spoiled child.

It feels gloriously dangerous.

If I start referring to the girls as Thelma and Louise, try not to be surprised by anything that happens after that.

****

Each moment is honest within itself. Each  moment I live is exactly what it is supposed to be. What a strange strange energy.

L.

Teeth.

So.
Life has been very much "in THIS moment" the last 3 months. Just THIS one. Giving up desire, giving up drive, letting go of everything but IN THIS MOMENT. I really believe everything happens for a reason... even though there are things that I'm still wondering "why".

However, I have felt that I am in exactly the right place, interacting with the exact right people, and living in the exact right way.

I'm not getting ahead. I've come close to falling behind. But I'm making no plans, anywhere, about anything.

Today, my youngest said to me:
"Instead of saving my Christmas money for an ipod, I'm going to save money to get my retainer."

I died a little. And felt like a bad person for letting go of the future, and money. Because I feel like I"ve forgotten about her teeth.

Her mouth doesn't just need a retainer. Her mouth needs teeth removed, teeth twisted around, pushed AND pulled back into place... and then when the teeth start coming back in that we've removed to make room for what's already there, sideways and crooked, we start all over again. This is not a $400 retainer we are talking about here. And me, with no coverage, will pay for it all out of pocket. For a number of years.

This morning, I realised that I will have to start hustling again - either paintings or dolls or sewing or tarot... or something online that will most likely involve recruiting or selling... or reflexology, and possibly massage. (yes, this is body work massage, not RMT massage.). Hustling doesn't feel like heart work. Having to hustle for the money doesn't feel like heart work. The idea of having to get out there and SELL SELL SELL makes me feel sick. But heart work brings it slowly, and her mouth needs more than what comes in and just gets us by.

This is where my sleepy brain is. I hope my dreams bring answers.

Tossed.

Do you know how freeing it is to throw it all away? Ha!

This new shift in the mind has changed me already. Worries - GONE. Stress - GONE.

I am Love. That is all.

No more thinking about futures or houses or retirement or what ifs or what-will-be. Screw it all. I'm letting everything go as it will right now.

All I am now is dreams and laughter and dancing and a body in a hot hot bath. Everything happens just as it should. I'm not looking forward or rushing anything or asking for anything out of life. I've got all I'll have already. That's enough.

L.

Throwing in the Towel.

November 15th.

I'm giving up.
Ten years is a very very long time to wish and work so hard for something, and never come even close.
Home ownership is not for me.
I really would like a house. Mainly so my kids will have the space they need. So I would have a space to create, work, have friends over. But I just can't do it.
I've never come even close to what's required for the downpayment. I can't work the hours or earn enough to make the monthly payments that would be required. Physically or mentally. I guess I just don't have it in me.

The last 4 weeks have been an eye opener. This pace is not what I want for my life. I'm anxious and completely stressed. I'm not handling it well.

I still have two very huge monthly payments to make. One is the car. If I give up the car, it's 50 hours a month that I get back, either in my pocket or in my life. That's 10 shifts out of the 16 that I work a month at my day job,  that can go toward the other monthly payment, that I HAVE to pay, as it's a line of credit. No getting rid of that one.

The other job is on hold for 3 months. Can't write my exam till January, and can't do the practical exam till after that.

What am I working so hard for? I've been working so hard to pay off the debt, and because I want a house. UNwanting a house takes a large burden off of me.

I really didn't want to be here forever. It keeps getting smaller and smaller as the kids get bigger and bigger, and one more year slips by. But, there seems to be no other path for me. So, I should just embrace this as where we are, and move on from it.

There's just no joy in the thought anymore. There's no hope for it. No anticipation or excitement.

So, a different path, I guess, from here on in. I don't care where I land, just as long as I can find some calm and centred again. This pace is not for me.

L.

Upswing.

Some exciting news on the art front! I'll be part of a small biz that is opening downtown - we're hoping to get rushed in to be set up before Christmas! Time to dig out the sewing machine, and take inventory of what dolls are already made.

Exciting news on the reflexology front! I have about 20ish feet left to finish, and then I can take my exam. I have a contract in hand from a business downtown, where I"ll be an independent contractor. So awesome. I'm very very excited about that.

Life is twisting and turning in unexpected ways. Although I'm sure the Universe knows EXACTLY what it's doing. Life is Good. Life is Good. I'm running with it, giddily along the autumn trail. Breathe!

L.