Thursday, November 15, 2012

Throwing in the Towel.

November 15th.

I'm giving up.
Ten years is a very very long time to wish and work so hard for something, and never come even close.
Home ownership is not for me.
I really would like a house. Mainly so my kids will have the space they need. So I would have a space to create, work, have friends over. But I just can't do it.
I've never come even close to what's required for the downpayment. I can't work the hours or earn enough to make the monthly payments that would be required. Physically or mentally. I guess I just don't have it in me.

The last 4 weeks have been an eye opener. This pace is not what I want for my life. I'm anxious and completely stressed. I'm not handling it well.

I still have two very huge monthly payments to make. One is the car. If I give up the car, it's 50 hours a month that I get back, either in my pocket or in my life. That's 10 shifts out of the 16 that I work a month at my day job,  that can go toward the other monthly payment, that I HAVE to pay, as it's a line of credit. No getting rid of that one.

The other job is on hold for 3 months. Can't write my exam till January, and can't do the practical exam till after that.

What am I working so hard for? I've been working so hard to pay off the debt, and because I want a house. UNwanting a house takes a large burden off of me.

I really didn't want to be here forever. It keeps getting smaller and smaller as the kids get bigger and bigger, and one more year slips by. But, there seems to be no other path for me. So, I should just embrace this as where we are, and move on from it.

There's just no joy in the thought anymore. There's no hope for it. No anticipation or excitement.

So, a different path, I guess, from here on in. I don't care where I land, just as long as I can find some calm and centred again. This pace is not for me.


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