Tossed.

Do you know how freeing it is to throw it all away? Ha!

This new shift in the mind has changed me already. Worries - GONE. Stress - GONE.

I am Love. That is all.

No more thinking about futures or houses or retirement or what ifs or what-will-be. Screw it all. I'm letting everything go as it will right now.

All I am now is dreams and laughter and dancing and a body in a hot hot bath. Everything happens just as it should. I'm not looking forward or rushing anything or asking for anything out of life. I've got all I'll have already. That's enough.

L.

Throwing in the Towel.

November 15th.

I'm giving up.
Ten years is a very very long time to wish and work so hard for something, and never come even close.
Home ownership is not for me.
I really would like a house. Mainly so my kids will have the space they need. So I would have a space to create, work, have friends over. But I just can't do it.
I've never come even close to what's required for the downpayment. I can't work the hours or earn enough to make the monthly payments that would be required. Physically or mentally. I guess I just don't have it in me.

The last 4 weeks have been an eye opener. This pace is not what I want for my life. I'm anxious and completely stressed. I'm not handling it well.

I still have two very huge monthly payments to make. One is the car. If I give up the car, it's 50 hours a month that I get back, either in my pocket or in my life. That's 10 shifts out of the 16 that I work a month at my day job,  that can go toward the other monthly payment, that I HAVE to pay, as it's a line of credit. No getting rid of that one.

The other job is on hold for 3 months. Can't write my exam till January, and can't do the practical exam till after that.

What am I working so hard for? I've been working so hard to pay off the debt, and because I want a house. UNwanting a house takes a large burden off of me.

I really didn't want to be here forever. It keeps getting smaller and smaller as the kids get bigger and bigger, and one more year slips by. But, there seems to be no other path for me. So, I should just embrace this as where we are, and move on from it.

There's just no joy in the thought anymore. There's no hope for it. No anticipation or excitement.

So, a different path, I guess, from here on in. I don't care where I land, just as long as I can find some calm and centred again. This pace is not for me.

L.

Upswing.

Some exciting news on the art front! I'll be part of a small biz that is opening downtown - we're hoping to get rushed in to be set up before Christmas! Time to dig out the sewing machine, and take inventory of what dolls are already made.

Exciting news on the reflexology front! I have about 20ish feet left to finish, and then I can take my exam. I have a contract in hand from a business downtown, where I"ll be an independent contractor. So awesome. I'm very very excited about that.

Life is twisting and turning in unexpected ways. Although I'm sure the Universe knows EXACTLY what it's doing. Life is Good. Life is Good. I'm running with it, giddily along the autumn trail. Breathe!

L.

4 weeks. Burnt Out.

It has been a month, counting the weeks.

I'm still chewing on all of it.

I think I may have reached maximum capacity. Got a weird throat thing yesterday, although I've eaten two big cans of soup this eve, laced with garlic, and that seems to have finally made it subside.

I also think I have been hired on as a part time reflexologist at a local place. I don't think I can say much more about that, until it's all firmed up and I have signed the contracts. I'm really excited though. I can keep my current part time job, and be able to work the reflexology appointments around my current shop-girl hours.

I have to do a recount to see where I'm at for feet, but I think I have 40 pairs to go.

Waiting on a girlfriend to arrive right now, with her feet!!

L.

Ohm.

Just Breathing.
And Watching.
And Waiting.

It's not my job to make any decisions... yet.

Had the conversation with the Pixies... which now will be referred to as something stronger. (Valkyries was suggested, but... it doesn't slip off my tongue yet.) That conversation where they say "You're Santa, aren't you?" Which lifts a lovely burden - Now we can get down to proper Pagan business at Winter Solstice. Heh.

Time to hustle.

L.

For Me.

Wondering when the tilt-a-whirl will stop. When the carnival will pack up the rides and games, and move on to another life. Still feeling dizzy. This rare moment of unscheduled quiet, before they arrive home from school, is unsettling to my shaken and stirred body.

It's been interesting to try to live in the moment, and plan for the future at the same time. Now is tangible, touchable torture. The future has become foggy. There are mysteries and adventure and danger and damp tucked into foggy forests. It's beautiful and fucking frightening. I snug my children closer to me walking into it. They show no fear. Maybe it's harder at 38 to face this, then it is at 10 and 11.

The littles creep into my bed in the mornings now. Curl their bodies on either side of mine, under the four layers of comforters I breathe into at night to warm my cold fingers and toes. Their morning bodies make it so warm in the morning, that I don't want to crawl out. I am enjoying this new morning ritual. It's the only moment of the day I feel connected and relaxed.

My datebook is an abstract doodle. Flourescent  scribbles, and pen marks - names and shifts and bills to force me to keep all of it in order, hope that it keeps me in line.

The carni workers keep pushing me onto the rides that make me nauseos. I want off I want off I want to lay down and sleep. But there's more to come. The gut feeling that has jammed itself up into my ribcage keeps warning me. It's not over yet. Hang on. Keep your eyes open. It's much worse if you close 'em.

I want to be bigger than myself in this.
I keep shoving the anger down.
I keep shoving the sorrow away.
There's so much to think about.
And I have no desire to write speeches.